(Even though I don't like talking about stuff from my personal life, and I know I said I wasn't gonna make anymore posts like this, but if I don't talk about it at all, I think I'm gonna have another mental breakdown.)

Yesterday, I found out that the only friend I've made after isolating myself for months has a lung disease. I'm not gonna go into anything specific for privacy reasons, but has maybe a year or two left to live. The fact he's still here is a miracle.

When he first told me, my stomach dropped. I haven't been able to eat, sleep, or think properly ever since I found out. I cried for what felt like hours. I only got 4 hours of sleep that night. I keep almost throwing up because I think I could've been a better friend. I could've done more. I could've been nicer.

Even though I only knew him for a few weeks, we spent a lot of time together. We talked for hours, we played video games, and he's awesome. He's smart, kind, funny, witty.. I could go on. He’s my best friend.

And I think I could've done more.

I'm tearing up writing this; my heart and stomach is pounding. It's currently 2 AM and I can't sleep at all. There's nothing I could write that could do justice to what I'm feeling right now.

I don't know if what I'm feeling now is grief or a panic attack. I've never had to deal with anything like this before. I've never had to deal with losing someone before. I don't know what to do.. I'm at a loss of words.

I don't know what else to say. I can't finish this. I'm sorry.

I had a nervous breakdown a few months ago; shortly after I posted the Fantano animation. I curled up in a ball and hid from everyone. I lost all my friends because I was scared and stupid. I wanted to hide, and I did. I isolated myself with nothing but my own thoughts for a few months, and I came out of it with a new mind.

I thought about what happened that lead me to isolate myself, and I now know why. I wanted attention, and I made a lot of bad decisions because I wanted to feel approval. I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have said, and did a lot of things I should’ve have done. I now view a lot things I did in the past with a different perspective. I hate most of the things I did in the past. I hate who I was. I was a dumb asshole middle schooler who shouldn’t have had access to the internet.

With that in mind, I unlisted some of my older animations on YouTube, such as There Is She Stomps 1 and 2, and Wild Wild World Part 1. I don’t plan to unpublish the versions on here for archival purposes though.

I’m also abandoning my discord server. I’m not gonna start another one until I’m 18. And I’m not deleting it, for archival purposes also.

I’ve also been thinking about my current projects, and how I feel about them. Long story short, I don’t feel comfortable making There Is She Stomp 3 or the TDK episode I was working on anymore. I would love to finish them someday, but I don't think it would be right.

As for the future, I’m working on the script for another TDK episode right now, and I’m about 50 percent done with my Cooper2723 fan animation (which somehow is taking longer to complete than Movie Maniacs). I’m also working on some music, and I have plans for 2 more animations, but that’s it for now.

And that’s all I have to say. I think I’m more mature than I’ve ever been, but I still have a long way to go. I still need to work on myself. And that can’t be rushed. I hope you all have a great day. Take care everyone.

(Also fingers crossed that this will be the last post I make like this)

EDIT: I somehow forgot to mention this but I also abandoned my Twitter and DeviantArt accounts.

should i listen to him?

today i woke up at 6 in the afternoon i think. i then got out of bed after watching young sheldon through youtube shorts for 30 minutes i think. i combed my hair and went downstairs to eat some ice cream i think. i went back upstairs and wanted to animate, but i smoked cigarettes i think. and then i went back downstairs to finish the tub of vanilla bean ice cream. and then i went back upstairs. and then i went back down stairs to retrieve pepperoni. i went back upstairs to eat the pepperponi. and then i woke my mom up at 2 am to get jack in the box. and then i ate the chicken sandwich at the jack in the box. it changed my life. it is the best chicken sandwich i have ever had. better than kfc. better than chick fil a. better than mcdonalds. and then i ate the curly fries. and then i went home. and then i went upstairs. and then i started drinking the dr pepper with no ice i got. and then i wrote this post. it is 3:18 am currently. the chicken sandwich was amazing. as well as the dr pepper.

I BEAT IT! FOR THE FIRST TIME! 4TH GRADE ME WOULD BE PROUD!! REJOICE! REJOICE! GLORIOUS DAY! GLORIOUS DAY!

I think my drawing tablet is broken. I use a Gaomon PD2200, and I don’t know what happened, but recently, the drivers keep saying that there’s no device detecte. If any of you on this website know how to fix this and would be willing to help me, that would be absolutely terrific.

I have a lot of mixed feelings right now. I feel like a thousand bricks have been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel a lot better now. But a part of me also thinks that it should’ve ended differently. I don’t know for certain. I don’t even know if I’m in the clear, or if I should have ended it differently. Maybe I’ll never know. But even if I don’t know, I did learn one thing. I learned to be a lot more mature with my thoughts and my feelings, and I also learned that I’m growing up. I’m older now, and as an older person I need to be more cautious and aware of what I say on the Internet. I need to learn to respect boundaries and to be a more professional person. I know I acted very immature in the past. I have one message for everyone that I have been immature to in the past. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I let my feelings get the better of me. I was a dumb kid. I know that doesn’t make it any better, but that’s my reasoning. I acted different, I thought different, and I didn’t think straight. As a matter of fact, I haven’t thinked straight, or felt the same in about two years. It all felt like some lucid dream. Now I feel something like my old self again. I learned from my mistakes, and I plan to move on from them. 

I promise going forward. I will not let my emotions get the better of me. I will move from my past. If you’re still reading this, and plan to give me another chance, thank you for not giving up on me yet.

what are the odds

thank you for 100 fans