(Even though I don't like talking about stuff from my personal life, and I know I said I wasn't gonna make anymore posts like this, but if I don't talk about it at all, I think I'm gonna have another mental breakdown.)

Yesterday, I found out that the only friend I've made after isolating myself for months has a lung disease. I'm not gonna go into anything specific for privacy reasons, but has maybe a year or two left to live. The fact he's still here is a miracle.

When he first told me, my stomach dropped. I haven't been able to eat, sleep, or think properly ever since I found out. I cried for what felt like hours. I only got 4 hours of sleep that night. I keep almost throwing up because I think I could've been a better friend. I could've done more. I could've been nicer.

Even though I only knew him for a few weeks, we spent a lot of time together. We talked for hours, we played video games, and he's awesome. He's smart, kind, funny, witty.. I could go on. He’s my best friend.

And I think I could've done more.

I'm tearing up writing this; my heart and stomach is pounding. It's currently 2 AM and I can't sleep at all. There's nothing I could write that could do justice to what I'm feeling right now.

I don't know if what I'm feeling now is grief or a panic attack. I've never had to deal with anything like this before. I've never had to deal with losing someone before. I don't know what to do.. I'm at a loss of words.

I don't know what else to say. I can't finish this. I'm sorry.